By John Ward
The twice-daily soap opera Euroblown is now pretty much into its stride as far as the format is concerned. Head Scriptwriter Wolfgang Schäuble briefs the cast on Mondays, after which the others learn their lines and dutifully do their best to make the wooden fantasy sound right.
“Greece leaving the eurozone is no big deal,” said Wolfie last Monday, “We are prepared now”.
Europe is “certainly more resilient” to a possible Greek exit than it was two years ago, when the bloc would have been “massively underprepared,” European Union Economic and Monetary commissioner Olli Rehn said Wednesday.
A Greek exit from the euro could be “technically” managed, European Central Bank Governing Council member Patrick Honohan assured regular listeners in a cameo role Friday.
But by Saturday morning, a new secret poll (which of course doesn’t exist) showed anti-Troika support growing in the light of this “see if we care” line. So Saturday afternoon, senior MP and generally respected figure Theodoros Pangalos was ordered to change tack, and steer south by south west at full-ahead both naked scarey shit:
“We will be in wild bankruptcy, out-of-control bankruptcy,” Theo averred. Would it be hysterically feral bankruptcy? He didn’t know. But it would be…..something not at all nice:
“The state will not be able to pay salaries and pensions. This is not recognised by the citizens. We have got until June before we run out of money….I am very much afraid of what is going to happen”.
Er, hang on Mr Panicalogos, you just told us: you’ll all have no money.
And no euro. No jackbooting pillocks telling you what to do. No creditors on your back, on account of having defaulted. A new currency worth a quarter as much…which will make exporting a breeze.
But you will have no less money than you have now, Theodoomoros my friend, because all the bloody money is in an escrow account ready for the bondholers – and it’s only a bit of toilet roll Draghi decided to sign after taking a dump a month ago anyway.
It’s a scam, chum. Maybe the first few months will be very tough. But Greece has lots of things to sell: olive oil, holidays, fruit, kebabs, Retsina, Taramasalata – all sorts of stuff that nobody does better. You can charge the German holidaymakers double as they’re doing so well; and whatever money you make from selling State assets will go to you, not the creditors.
The sky will still be there: an azure blue thing of beauty beaming down on a glistening Aegean full of fish…at the bottom of which is more oil and rare earths than China could mine in a century. And Turkey will be a threat. And so Israel will be an ally. And you know what all that means?
LOTS OF LOVELY PENTAGON AND WALL STREET MUNNNNEEEEE….only this time it won’t be loans. This time, they’ll be paying you for the rights to everything from gold to feta salad.
By the time the Fuherin in Berlin has finished bailing out Spain and France, Greece will be richer than Germany….and debt free. Think about it: You’ll be able to call Germans sausage-munching tramps, and the French cheese-eating surrender monkeys. Your car factories will employ German bankers at a cost of one souflaki and chips day-rate. You’ll be able to force Goldman Sachs to apologise for screwing you up and lying to Brussels. You could make Lloyd Blankfein wear an ill-fitting ginger wig for the rest of his life. You could spend endless hilarious hours forcing Mario Draghi to listen to puerile Italian tank gags.
All my readers in Hellenica…please, get this put out far and wide:
TELL THE EU TO GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR EXCEPT FEAR ITSELF. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BUT YOUR CHAINS.