HJ: All negative emotions arise from our inability to accept life exactly as it is in the moment. Radical acceptance, when practiced fully, will liberate you completely from suffering, which by default, leads to peace and happiness. It works every time, without fail and you can begin to embrace it right this very instant if you so choose.
We suffer when our expectations are not met. It gives rise to frustration, anger, pain, fear and so on. This is because we feel our needs and desires are not being met. However, the truth is that most of the time our desires are not based on trust of the divinity of what is — the perfection of what is occurring. Our desires tend to be based on false perceptions of insecurity and scarcity. And yet, our desires are always met so long as we allow them to be met (learn how beliefs affect your reality here) and are open to the universe bringing us the most perfected manifestation of what we need. The universe responds poorly to demands, but beautifully to requests.
It is only when we are lost in duality and the immediacy of our experience that we forget that there is a larger, higher spiritual purpose to everything that is occurring in our lives. Every moment is imbued with meaning and the potential for growth and learning. Every moment is sacred and infinite. Every moment is exactly what we need at that moment. It cannot be any other way. Therefore we are wise not to judge — to hold expectations — but to simply observe what is being presented to us — to accept if for the profundity it embodies and the learning potential it represents.
This may sound esoteric, but it is actually incredibly practical. Let me give you an example from my life. The other day, a project I had been working very hard on experienced a hiccup. Things did not go as planned. Someone we had hired to do work for us did not meet our expectations and it was surprising and made us doubt and question their competency and we had entrusted them with an important piece of work. Knowing, as I do, not to repress emotions, I let myself experience the anger and frustration that occurred because our expectations had not been met severely. But even in this anger I remembered to reflect and try to understand why this was happening… What lesson was being taught to me? What part of myself called this experience in? Was I seeing the situation clearly? And things then became quite clear — this was a lesson in letting go and trusting what is — practicing radical acceptance. And, like clockwork, upon realizing this and accepting the situation as perfect and meaningful, I was released from the ‘negative’ emotions I had previously experienced and was once again calm and centered. The situation had been reframed and released within an hour. My lesson was that I got to practice what we teach here on the Journal — to better know and understand the subtleties of the art of living consciously.
And perhaps more, to now share this experience with you, our community so that you may also learn how to practice radical acceptance, together reducing the load of collective frustration and moving towards our natural state of flow and peace.
One of the four options you have for any problem is Radical Acceptance (Linehan, 1993). Radical acceptance is about accepting of life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot or choose not to change. Radical Acceptance is about saying yes to life, just as it is.
Imagine that you talk with an apartment manager about leasing an apartment in a popular complex that is completely full. He agrees to call you when the two-bedroom apartment is available. You wait for months, then stop by to check with him. When you arrive he is signing a lease agreement with a couple for a two-bedroom unit. When you confront him, he shrugs. That shouldn’t happen. It isn’t fair. And it did happen.
The pain is the loss of an apartment that you really wanted. You may feel sad and hurt. Suffering is what you do with that pain and the interpretation you put on the pain. Suffering is optional; pain is not.
It’s difficult to accept what you don’t want to be true. And it’s more difficult to not accept. Not accepting pain brings suffering.
Refusing to Accept Reality
People often say, “I can’t stand this,” “This isn’t fair,” “This can’t be true,” and “This shouldn’t be this way.” It’s almost as if we think refusing to accept the truth will keep it from being true or that accepting means agreeing. Accepting doesn’t mean agreeing.
It’s exhausting to fight reality and it doesn’t work. Refusing to accept that you were fired for something you didn’t do, that your friend cheated you, or that you weren’t accepted into college you wanted to attend doesn’t change the situation and it adds to the pain you experience.
Accepting reality is difficult when life is painful. No one wants to experience pain, disappointment, sadness or loss. But those experiences are a part of life. When you attempt to avoid or resist those emotions, you add suffering to your pain. You may build the emotion bigger with your thoughts or create more misery by attempting to avoid the painful emotions. You can stop suffering by practicing acceptance.
Life is full of experiences that you enjoy and others that you dislike. When you push away or attempt to avoid feelings of sadness and pain, you also diminish your ability to feel joy. Avoidance of emotions often leads to depression and anxiety. Avoidance can also lead to destructive behaviors such as gambling, drinking too much, overspending, eating too little or too much, and overworking. These behaviors may help avoid pain in the short run but they only make the situation worse in the long run.
Acceptance means you can turn your resistant, ruminating thoughts into accepting thoughts like, “I’m in this situation. I don’t approve of it. I don’t think it’s OK, but it is what it is and I can’t change that it happened.”
Imagine that you are late for an important job interview. Traffic is especially congested and you are stopped at stoplight after stoplight. Raging at the traffic lights or the drivers in front of you will not help you get to your destination sooner and will only add to your upset. Accepting the situation and doing the best you can will be less emotionally painful and likely more effective. With acceptance you will arrive at your interview less distressed and perhaps better able to manage the situation.
Radical Acceptance Requires Practice
Radical Acceptance is a skill that requires practice. Practicing accepting that traffic is heavy, that it’s raining on the day you wanted to go to the beach, and that your friend cancels when you had plans to spend the day together are important for coping well and living a more contented life. When you practice acceptance, you are still disappointed, sad and perhaps fearful in such situations, and you don’t add the pain of non-acceptance to those emotions and make the situations worse. Practicing acceptance in these situations also helps you prepare for acceptance in more difficult circumstances.
Everyone experiences losing someone they love. The death of a parent, a child, a spouse or a dear friend is particularly difficult. Your first reaction may be to say something like “No! It can’t be,” even though you know it is true.
The death of a loved one will always be difficult and painful. Acceptance means you can begin to heal. Resisting reality delays healing and adds suffering to your pain. When you practice acceptance everyday, you may be more prepared when the most difficult experiences in life occur. So practicing accepting the heavy traffic is about easing your suffering in that moment and also about being able to decrease your suffering in more difficult situations that may come.
Reasons to Not Accept Reality
Sometimes people behave as if they believe not accepting something will change the situation. It’s like accepting painful situations or emotions is being passive or giving in. That’s not it. It’s allowing reality to be as it is.
Other times people don’t want to feel the pain. There are many life situations that are painful and that are not in our control. We can’t avoid that pain, but we can control how much we suffer over the pain that we experience. Suffering is the part we can control.
A Place to Begin
Life gives lots of opportunities to practice. If you have a problem that you can solve, then that is the first option. If you can’t solve it but can change your perception of it, then do that. If you can’t solve it or change your perception of an issue, then practice radical acceptance.
Begin by focusing on your breath. Just notice thoughts that you might have such as the situation isn’t fair or you can’t stand what happened. Just let those thoughts pass. Give yourself an accepting statement, such as “It is what it is.” Practice over and over again. Acceptance often requires many repetitions.